Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
