I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
