She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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