Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
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Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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