after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
