Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
