Plan B is the new Plan A
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
