I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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