Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
zippers are such a cool invention
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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