Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
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After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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