do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
