I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
