Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize