I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
