She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
