I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
