im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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