Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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