She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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