I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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