Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
