i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
