This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
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