So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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