Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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