when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
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You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
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I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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