Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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