Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
