the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
