I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
