I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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