I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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