you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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