i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
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it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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