If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
