Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
