First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
