so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
