I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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