We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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