Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
