the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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