you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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