We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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