My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
