I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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