literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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