A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
