I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
