I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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