god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
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and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
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he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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