yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
