You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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