You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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