Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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