i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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