I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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