I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
