Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
