9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
